All you have is here and now
Getting to maturity is a rather complex roller coaster of emotions, and most probably you have had a couple of experiences that back fired.
Do not fret. This is absolutely normal, in our growth path. A rather respected Greek philosopher said there is …”no learning without pain”.
Truth be told, our societies do not welcome pain anymore, and thus most of our negative experiences are pushed in the dark and dusted corners of our mind, creating a false impression that we are ‘cool’ with what has troubled us.
While this is true to a certain extent, excessive pain that lingers for more than it should, could actually cause serious mental unrest. Skipping to understand the context that has put us in emotional uneasiness, can seem rather beneficial in the beginning but soon after transforms itself in our worst nightmare. Usually, this situational misunderstanding keeps us from advancing in our lives because instead of turning the attention inwards towards our weaknesses we turn to blame the other actor in our dramatic scenery. This attitude is very dangerous, because soon enough we will stop standing by our decisions and accepting the outcomes of our own actions, and we turn in the ultimate victim, where everybody wants to wrong do us.
So, what can you do in such a situation?
1. Accept that you cannot change the past
By acknowledging the temporal dimension of the past, as a time that you cannot intervene, will put your pain in perspective. It also restores the power back to you, as the past cannot translate into your present and hurt you, unless you allow it to.
2. Make a conscious decision to understand the situation
As difficult as this might seem, try to ask either close friends or a specialist how would they react to the situation affecting you. By understating other’s perspective on the matter, you can learn the lesson you are meant to learn, and you can apply that learning to hinder future suffering. Questions like ‘Is the situation reversible?’, ‘What could you have done differently?’, ‘Are you really a victim, or you actually hold some of the blame for what came your way?’ could help you clarify what has happened.
3. Address the pain
The worst decision you could possibly do in a painful situation is to hide the dirt under the rug. The best approach here is to express your anger, frustration, sorrow or disgust either to a close friend or your psychologist. If none of those options are available to you, just take a piece of paper, and write down all those mixed and negative emotions. If it helps you, you can even address the letter to your wrong doer, but make sure you never end up sending it. Try to go as in depth as you can and provide as much detail as possible.
4. Do not play the victim
While this role could actually relieve us from our present suffering, it actually threatens our core self by slowly substituting our real identity with that of the continuous victim. Remember, the choice is ours at the end of the day. It all boils down to us if we want to entertain that bad feeling of hopelessness for more than we should.
5. Forgive your wrong doer
Holding a grudge against the person who has done you wrong, will only accentuate your negative mind-frame. By forgiving we regain our strengths and power. The old saying “Turn the other cheek” might have been wrongfully translated throughout the passing of years, but in its essence, it bears the message that, if someone does us wrong, and we display a forgiving attitude we lessen the strength that person holds on us and our wellbeing.
Forgiving also helps us acknowledge that maybe, the person who has made us suffer might have not made it intentionally, and thus allows us a new starting point in our negotiations towards wellbeing together.
6. Forgive yourself
This is as important as the step above. Forgiving yourself will liberate yourself of the mental constructions that will keep you in the same misery point of blame, self – beating and self – abuse. Do you remember when a negative attitude brought you a positive outcome? …. So, I thought, most probably never. Remember in order to welcome happiness and wellbeing we must first be at peace with our own self.
7. Focus on the present
By opening your eyes wide open and observe what is going well in your present, you open a new stream of possibilities and opportunities that can change the way that you feel. If you live more in the now, than in the then, the pain will slowly linger away, and will make room for more positive emotions and experiences that can help rebuild your self-confidence, self-trust, resilience and even happiness. The now is a very powerful concept, but rather hard to grasp for someone who is in the turmoil of suffering. It is important that when those bad thoughts creep in your mind to pay attention to them, and gently stir the direction towards your own intentions towards the present.
Never fear to ask for specialised help to transition into your acceptance framework. As a personal coach, I have encountered many examples of difficult and emotional tearing experiences, and I have helped adapt multiple persons to those experiences by understanding the root cause of the issue. Furthermore, I can help you design your own conscious cues in order to bring back those happy thoughts in your life. Remember, every experience, being it good or bad is in itself a learning experience, where we get a rare chance of exploring our deepest fears and desires in order to build our desired self.